Comic Book’s Guide to the NFL Playoffs

Greetings from Earth-Awesome!

Now here on Earth-Awesome it’s almost Superbowl time, and I know for guys who aren’t into sports as much as I am, it can be hard to figure out what teams to root for. So I’m going to break this down as best as I can, by describing the eight playoff teams, the six eliminated two weeks ago and the two teams going to the Superbowl in terms of comic book teams.

So here we go!

The Seattle Seahawks can be most easily recognized as the Young Justice of the playoffs. Young Justice has people in their ranks that have played with the big boys (Robin and Kid Flash) and they also have a dynamic leader that oversees their operation (Batman). The Seahawks can be categorized in a very similar fashion asĀ  Young Justice. They have two veterans that have been involved in big games before and have proven very successful (Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and Linebacker Lofa Tatupu) and also this year for the Seahawks brought the arrival of a very successful, if not controversial coach (Pete Carrol). And although both teams had a rather integral part leave very early on (Wide receiver Nate Burleson for the Seahawks and Speedy for Young Justice) both teams still managed to carry on without them. Ultimately, the Seahawks really could have used a few more Justice League members for their success as they got a big upset at home against the defending champion New Orleans Saints, but got slaughtered on the cold turf of Soldier field in Chicago.

 

The New England Patriots have been an institution in the NFL, and The Avengers are an institution in the comic universe, so it seems only natural to match them up. The two main founders of the Avengers are Tony Stark and Steve Rogers, whereas the Pats have Bill Belichick and Tom Brady respectively. Steve Rogers and Tom Brady can both be classified as Captain America in a lot of ways. Both have had questionable hair decisions, have affected drastic changes in the rules in the world in which they live, and I’m pretty sure the city of Boston will eventually have monuments to both of them. Tony Stark and Bill Belichick can equally be compared as giant assholes who, although very successful in their respective fields, does so by devious methods at times. Also neither are opposed to spying on the enemy. However, due to the events of Civil War and what is being called Spygate for the Patriots, both teams are in a rebuilding phase. Neither team has really been as successful as they have in the past, hell both teams even had a temporary replacement for Captain America (Bucky Barnes and Matt Cassel) respectively. And because of this rebuilding process for the Patriots, they were soundly defeated by the Jets this past season, but yet they will most likely still be a favorite for the Superbowl next year.

 

The Lost City of Atlanta(is) is the home to our next two comparisons. The real reason I’m drawing the comparison between the Atlanta Falcons and DC’s Atlanteans, apart from the great Futurama reference I was able to throw in, was the home field advantage that both teams here enjoy. Arthur Curry protects his city of Atlantis and will defend it to the very end, likewise Matt Ryan (or Matty Ice as he is known in certain circles, yes I only threw that in because Arthur has a magic water hand) the quarterback of the Falcons was almost undefeated at home. Also the Atlaneans are constantly fighting off the threat and trying to forget the reign of Black Manta, who I will assume is also Falcons’ owner Arthur Blank’s name for former Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. Alas, Atlantis must be conquered at least once or twice every couple of years, so the home record of the Falcons would now last as the Green Bay Packers came in and slaughtered them, knocking them out of the playoffs.

 

To be a member of the Green Lantern Corps, above all you must be fearless and have a strong will and determination. If any team from this season embodies that this year, it’d probably be the New York Jets. From preseason, Jets coach Rex Ryan said they would be in the Superbowl, pretty bold and fearless statement. Their leader Mark Sanchez is still a very young quarterback and not many Jets fans had faith in him, much like a young Hal Jordan, who the guardians of Oa took a long time to trust. Also one of the best players on their defensive squad is Darrell Revis, who likes to consider himself an island unto himself when guarding a star receiver, and conveniently enough the Corps has Mogo which is actually a planet unto itself. But the Jets proved among any other team that they had the will to win games, it seems like almost every week they were coming back with amazing 4th quarter and overtime victories. They were even able to overcome a thrashing by the Patriots (consider it like draining all the energy from the lantern battery) and came back to defeat them in the playoffs sending Tom Brady home to his supermodel and mansion. So as Rex Ryan would say: “A game Sunday, Or Monday night, no trash talk shall escape our sight, let those who think our D is light, you’ll taste de-“feet”, Gang Green will fight!”

 

The Outsiders are a very interesting bunch, they really came together out of a massive failure of the Teen Titans and Young Justice as Donna Troy and Omen died at the hands of Superman robots, but they came together to form a pretty cohesive unit. The Bears had a horrible season last year and had to rally behind Jay Cutler, who was not inspiring much confidence considering his toughness. However, just as Arsenal assembled a new team out of the ashes of a tragedy, Bears coach Lovie Smith got almost an entirely new offensive coaching staff and it really did help the Bears out a lot this year. However, as with the Outsiders, injuries plagued the Bears in their final game this year. Both the first and second string quarterback went out with an injury in their playoff game, and they got shut down by the Green Bay Packers.

 

When you look at the Baltimore Raven on paper, they’re roster would dominate just about every team. They were a preseason favorite to win the Superbowl by many sports experts across the country. Likewise, the roster of the Justice League of America, even just the most notable seven members is a formidable combination of superheroes. The Amazonian like Joe Flacco at quarterback has quickly become one of the league’s most dangerous threats. Ray Rice is almost Batman-like with how he can move through defensive lines to get tremendous running room. Willis McGahee has been know to get through a defensive line to the endzone almost as if he was a Martian Manhunter phasing through them. And, of course, if you believe the Old Spice Swagger commercials as of late, Ray Lewis is Superman, complete with a laser shooting intergalactic bird.

And now here is what you’ve been waiting for, the matchup for the Superbowl! First comes a team from a land of cheese(heads).

 

The Teen Titans led by Tim Drake was very much a trial and error team when they first started. A lot of the old Titans had either passed away or moved on to either the Justice League or other teams, and they had a lot to live up to, especially with a monument to former Titans right outside their own home. Aaron Rogers of the Green Bay Packers has a similar problem. The frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, the legacy of Vince Lombardi, and of course the ever looming shadow of Brett Favre is a lot to live up to. Drake, as Robin, had many different team members on his Titans squad, with varying degrees of success. But once a firm grasp of the team dynamic could really be achieved, they saved the entire multiverse in Infinite Crisis. Aaron Rogers is at a similar crossroads, he has lost a few key components this season, most notably star running back Ryan Grant and tight end Jermichael Finley, but he has been able to keep the ship together, even coming back from a concussion himself. Now he is at his Infinite Crisis moment this coming Sunday, which is good because Jerry Jones can act as Alexander Luthor with Dallas Stadium being the tower that will destroy the multiverse, its up to Rogers and his team to go in there and be a hero for Green Bay and put the legend of Favre to rest.

 

And now we come to their opponents from the glorious city of steel, the six time Superbowl champions, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

 

Some might say that the Pittsburgh Steelers are nothing like the superhero group known as the Watchmen. I, however, beg to differ. First you have the two Nite Owls, Hollis Mason (old and grizzled veteran) and Dan Dreiberg (young man who is hesitant to take up the mantle again) and if you look at the receiving core of the Steelers I see Hines Ward (old and grizzled veteran) and Mike Wallace (young man learning from the grizzled vet), sounds about right to me. I mean both squads even have guys who have, shall we say, less then subtle ways with the ladies in The Comedian and, of course, former Raw guest-host Ben Roethlisberger. Add on to that a god-like figure with tremendous hair, well what do you know, both squads have that as well. Ozymandias actually does have superpowers, and I think most people would agree that Troy Polamalu does as well, but Troysus has much better hair. Now, some could say that this is just coincidence, but I bring you this final illustration. Dr. Manhattan, a very naked blue man, who seemed to turn off a lot of people with his detachment and dickish nature, had to be disposed of inorder to accomplish the greater good. Jeff Reed, a man known for his dick pictures, fat wedge, and dickish nature to attack paper towel dispensers, also had to be disposed of for the Steelers to reach the ultimate goal of the Superbowl. I rest my case.

Now as far as my picks, if this were the Superhero teams my pick would be the Titans, however, football-wise I’m going with the Steelers. So, as with any truly great Superbowl matchup, this is a pick-em game.

-Mike from Earth-Awesome

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